bizzle blog

2006-09-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

So there is obviously a difference between funny and stand up funny. One is different than the other in that one stands on stage while the other talks to his/her freiends but I always thought that I could make the jump to on stage funny if I really had to. I know that it is my blog readers' jobs to keep me tethered to the earth, while also lifting me up on their shoulders, while also crushing my self esteem beneath the heels of their boots of criticism. A friend told me the other day that the one friend that they knew who was actually funny had moved away and that now they didn't know anyone else who was funny. I just stared at them aghast.

"You don't think I'm funny?" I asked. "You're hilarious but you funny isn't who you are." This just didn't compute. I'm an egoist and pretty much think that I can do anything, not necessarily better than everyone else, but definetley better that anyone else. I've always thought that I could get up on a stage and make people wet themselves. Am I not funny? This egoist needs stroking.

2006-09-11T23:28:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time and I'm afraid my apologies may fall on apathetic ears but I give you my sincerest condolences anyways guys. It's been a long time and I really think that last blog was pretty sub par anyways. I'm out of practice now and I fear this blog may not be the "banner blog" we all strive for. BTW: kudos to Mustard.

I guess I just have to say, first of all, I don't really have a valid excuse. Second, should I get all mushy in a blog that is dedicated to superficial rants, tributes, and whatnot? Screw it! I don't do tributes and the I refuse to give the subject the url to my blog.

I have only introduced the current girlfriend to two of you readers, one of which actually completely forgot her name last time I talked to her and due to circumstances, namely: I'm never around, I don't get to really talk about her. Jen is probably the most hard assed bitch I've ever met and to keep a complete asshole like me straight, that is ideal. Furthermore, I feel like trying to explain her in my words wouldn't do her justice so is it cool if she meets everyone! Notice the lack of a question mark.

Othernews:

So there is a lot of homeless people begging at the intersections in the area that I live. I see these people everyday and I feel that I really get to know them through the glass of my car as they beg for change. I've really taken to the couple that always is on the southbound access road of the Wm. Cannon exit of IH-35. The light turns green and everyone rolls through and the couple wave enthused from the gaurdrail at all the people in their air conditoned cars. It must be hard to wave so energetically with the melanomas growing on their back from begging in the hot sun all day. I wave back, I like to see the smile on their faces.

The other day I rolled down my window and called the lady over. I let her stick her head in front of the AC vent and told her that I had just spent a grand getting that shit fixed and how it was worth it so that I wouldn't have to go anyplace with a sightly damp shirt. I think she agreed but I couldn't hear her over the screaching of my tires and the clunk of her head against my door sill. The light turned green.

Then there's the black dude in a wheel chair who's missing a leg from the knee down. He sits on the westbound side of Wm. Cnnon where it intersects IH-35. He tells me my future. He always comes up to my window as I'm blaring the music. I turn it down when he starts screaming at me and he says, "got any change?" I say, "No, working on plastic just like the rest of the middle class holmes." He says "It's cool man but I can tell you're a good person, but there's something in your life that you need to quit. I can sense it." I stop staring blankly at the bumper of the car in front of me, look at the creepy glaucoma fogged, homeless guy's eyes, and jump on the gas. Why did I rent sixteen candles for umpteenth time?

2006-08-03T05:53:00.000-07:00

I'm turning back into a hippy and I think I like it. No I'm not supporting a socialist overthrow of the government and I'm not smoking weed again.

I am:

1. Taking a yoga class

2. Building a garden in my back yard

3. Contemplating moving next to campus and riding a bike everywhere

4. Writing poetry (icky romantic poetry!)

5. Getting a degree in Conservation

What is going on?

2006-07-12T15:51:00.000-07:00

Am I a fair weather blogger? Dare I ask?

Perhaps I only blog when I feel alone, when I need to reach out to the 3 1/2 people who read my blog. To recieve their feedback and know that someone still listens to me. Perhaps.

I think that we may have covered all the inane quirks that exist in this world through our writings. Others write about what is going on in their lives yet I write about things which only allow you to see into the paper thin supeficiality that I project so that no one may know the real me. I am destined to be a politician I fear. Will I stop? Someday.. not today!

In the one day that I had between summer sessions I decided to play for par and get trashed with some friends. I stayed over at a buddy's house (after a rocking '80s theme party) where I was not blown upon by a fan or treated to the subzero temperatures of my house, and The Todd sweats in his sleep. I woke up in his guest room in a puddle of cold liquid with his dog curled up next to me. I thought, "Did I pee the bed? Did I sweat that much? Did the dog pee on me?" I immediately doubted the first two possibilities and told my buddy that the dog peed on the bed. He said, "she's never done that before," and we inspected the soaked mattress. "It goes from your feet to your head!" he said. I fearfully concurred and we briefly acted out how the dog would have had to straddle me and walk along the length of my body while raining her urine upon me. "Improbable but possible," I said and laid a towel down while he sniffed the area. "Doesn't smell like pee," he said. "Could I sweat that much?" I responded. He looked at me with an understanding look and said, "you owe me."

2006-06-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not a daddy!

So for the past three years there has been this thought lingering at the back of my head that I might have a kid. I found out that one of my exes was pregnant a few months after we broke up. Even when she had the kid there were still like two months discrepancy between when we broke up and nine months before Cash born. In my mixed up head though there was still the minute possibility that I could be a daddy. Me and a couple of guys at work were talking about their kids and so I brought up my "5 percent kid" as I oft call him. Then I showed them his pictures on his Mommy's MySpace. They said he looked exactly like me (it's true, he's smoking hot). This was too much, so I sent a message through MySpace, because I have no tact, and Angel replied that indeed I am not his Daddy. Woo hoo!

I think Mac might be luring icustomers into a false sense of isecurity with all their talk about how "Macs don't get viruses." This may be true now but when that ibug does come out Macs are probably going to be left with their pants down because their users never thought this would happen and there's no anti virus to protect against it. They had to take their macs in to get fixed at Mac authorized dealers numerous times in the past few years but now an ivirus!?! Time to get down off your ihorse mac users because the imassacre is coming.

Same thing with volvos. Can't be safe anymore. Back when they were all boxy the safety didn't come from the fact that they were designed better, it came from the fact they were rolling birth control. People could better concentrate on the road because no one in a Volvo back then was getting laid. That's why people had them after they had kids: to stop them from having more kids. Then with that fear alleviated they were driving up to their full potential. Now they are all sleek, and cool, and fast: deathtraps!

2006-05-30T20:58:00.000-07:00

I think I am going to build a bird house. Nothing flashy just a little tudor inspired piece. I think that the attention to detail and patience required will do me good. I have shit loads of tools that I never use because when I go into a hardware store my manhood kicks in due to all that testosterone in the air. I have drills, saws, chisels, compressors which all sit in quiet anticipation for times like these. Mrs. Neu would be proud. She would be even more so if I were building a pneumatic bird house but the engineering involved in making it weather and beak proof are beyond my abilities at this time.

Building a home for a faimily that is needier than I may even aid in a philosopical paradigm shift. Even more so because they are not even in the same genus let alone phylum as I. Perhaps it will aid in transcending my customary anthropocentric world view to that more aligned with the likes of Arne Naess and Dan Jantzen when they set out the platform for Deep Ecology and biocentrism. It may help me be a better person and a better member of our Gaia community. I will have to restrain mysellf from teaching the birds to do my evil bidding though. That will be tough. I guess you could say that I'm building a little bird house in my soul.

P.S. Even more so!

2006-05-17T22:10:00.000-07:00

Late night grocery shopping really is the way to go if you like less crowds, finding everything you need because they just stocked (things like original flavor Sunchips and powdered gatorade are always slim pickins during the day), close parking, and maneuvering around boxes and forklifts.

This is not the way to go if you prefer crowds, like long lines, enjoy sleep, or are scared of crazy people. It is a rather good time to study those in our society who aren't burdened by sanity.

Example 1: The guy just getting off his panhandling shift at the intersection of William Cannon and IH-35. I see this guy daily and always thought that he had some kind of nerve disorder because of his halting style of walk and tendencyto suddenly stop, grasp his sign in one hand, shake it vigourously and wave at the traffic with a tortured grimace on his face. It turns out that it must be sugar induced. He was buying a whole case of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and a 2 liter bottle of Coke. He then walked halt free out of the store.

Example 2: Loud overweight black lady who keeps screaming at everybody. She was in line buying a large amount of assorted candy as well (coincidence?) and a Mickey's. I heard her yelling, "What are you looking at?" and turned, because I like "the drama". She was inquiring this of me. I feebly answered, "Lean Pockets, they're on sale." I thought this would get ugly but all she said back was, "Them Pepperoni ones are good." So I said, "Hell yeah." and grabbed three boxes cause thems pepperoni ones are second only to the turkey and brocolli ones. Fuh Shizzle.

Example 3: The quick little toothless lady who kept darting back and forth around the store only to end up needing a product right next to the ones I was surveying every time. (She took the last of the broccoli and turkey lean pockets) She ended up ahead of me in the only non-express checkout line and kept arguing with the checkout girl about the price of each item. When they had to break from their conversation to get a price check she asked the couple behind her all crazy toothless like, "You wanna come back to my house and I'll fix up some fajitas? I make my own pinto beans." I couldn't hear their response but she then proceeded to ask the same question of the girl behind them and directly in front of me. She ignored her and crazy lady went back to her place in line. WTF crazy lady? I would have liked some fajitas and home made pinto beans.

2006-05-12T06:42:00.000-07:00

Maintaining two blogs is tough! I'm really not that creative but I'll squeeze one out just so Lisa doesn't yell at me again. Lay down guys I'm putting this one on you chest. Just kidding, but didn't that give you some wierd mental imagery? Like this...I was going to put the "grossest web video ever" on that link but it really is the grossest web video ever and I think I've shown it to everybody. That one is just funny. You didnt even watch it did you? Well watch this one for real. It's long but hilarious as long as you keep telling yourself, "These guys are now uber stars" the whole time. Then make sure you thank Ryan Mustard for bestowing the knowledge of this great kernel of hilarity upon all of us. I urge you to text him the opening line of the show. Any way you do it, just let him know you watched it and he will be happy. Make him think that he told you and doesn't remember but don't let him know I told you whatever you do.

Isn't it special that Mustard is in two of our blogs this week? Too bad he doesn't know because he doesn't read our blogs.

2006-05-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

I think I may be addicted to NPR. This was evidenced when I am the only person in two of my classes who can comment to the professor on "this thing they heard on NPR the other day." This means that I have entered the realm of geezerhood at the ripe old age of 24. I know it doesn't sound that old but ask Mustard, or Holliwell. There is a marked difference between 24 and 23 that none of us had expected. This might not be so evident to Mustard since he was old at 21, but for a guy who is in his "mid twenties" and still a junior in college, who still wants to get his masters, and who still wants to go be a park ranger for a couple of years before making his millions, this is near tragic. Basically, I feel I am too old to feel as young as I do. Asking my mom for money at the age at which she already had three kids, asking my dad for money at the age at which he was working on his second masters is not as cool as I never thought about.

I am that guy in class who has read the required AND supplemental material and has his papers done on time. I need a gray wig instead of my cargo shorts, New Balances, and super cool vintage T-shirts. I need to go buy some plaid button up shirts, and some jeans from Wal-Mart then I will look my age. Then I will sit in the front of all my classes and make comments and ask questions while completely oblivious to the eyerolling occuring behind me. I will become best friends with the professor and/or TA and totally fuck up the curve.

Then I will go out an party in a dress till all hours of the night and hook up with random chicks/friends of the opposite sex to the delight of my friends who will ridicule me until they realize that i am oblivious to their jabs. For I am a master of rationalizing my actions no matter how dispicable.

2006-04-23T20:10:00.000-07:00

I'm a little worried about my pops as of late. I went out there over the weekend and he's definetly getting more adamant in his views and more eccentric in his actions as he nears sixty:

He's about to buy about buy the thirty adjacent acres to his land complete with bull riding arena.

He's accumulating guns at the rate of about 1 a month

Is qualifying for his concealed carry liscense and WILL carry a gun with him at most times

Shot a dog that came on his property the other day. He said it was confronting him but I don't know

Is running for city council in the town which he lives in (I'm his campaign manager)

Thinks Bono should be "drawn and quartered" for advocating the unfettered relief effort in Africa because "so many shouldn't be living in an area where the land cannot support them"

I love that old coot and, like it or not, is probably a probably a pretty good look into my future. That is if the world does not end at the end of 2012 like so many people are predicting. Join the armament!

2006-04-19T05:06:00.000-07:00

I think my roomate and I may have stumbled on a very entertaining sport: puppy on cat wrestling. It's the greatest thing ever. It seems that they are evenly matched (really my cat is probably just choosing to not scratch the shit out of the unknowing puppy) and seem to even know the whole "three count" theory because they actually hold each other down until I slap the mat(carpet) three times. I need to look into getting a gaming liscense in Vegas because this has serious betting potential and they don't really get hurt. It's just insanely cute.

Also, tomorrow is national high five day. This is where you high five as many strangers as possible. I'm sure we will meet a bunch of interesting people. Coincidentally(sp.), NH5D falls on 4-20 this year which adds a whole other level of awesomeness to the holiday.

2006-04-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

I just got finished watching "What About Brian" on ABC. I really am only a conniseur of the TV shows that come on at 9PM because that is about the earliest I ever get to watch TV and am in bed by 10:30. because I hold down that level of loserdom which few can, or want, to reside in

For those of you fortunate not to have seen it; it is about this guy who has watched all of his closest friends find love, happiness, and success while he only finds the last of the three. Really it is the most overly dramatic of the romance shows that have come out in the past decade. It tried to target what I can only imagine is the nouveau crowd who enjoyed "thirtysomething" when it was sucessful, but I can only imagine what crowd that was by talking at length with my mom about the shows that she watched when she was thirtysomething and am afraid that the pain of the knitting needles in my eye sockets (self inflicted) will be too great to catch the next episode next Monday. can't wait...

2006-04-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

Do you remember when you liked Paula Abdul and Keanu Reeves?

or when you weren't scared of the Easter Bunny?

2006-04-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

Things I realized today:

I will stop this theme after today I promise...

$80 dollar designer belts are also known as "puppy crack"

I need to replace three belts with fake lookalikes

I really really really hate being single but also love it at the same but miss someone to cuddle with but love my solidarity but also like someone to tell my day to and hear about theirs but like being able to masturbate three times a day but hate the fact that I have to masturbate three times a day but hate how I "clean away the feelings" but hate that there are "feelings that I have to clean away" but love the way that my true feelings only come out in this stupid blog and hate that "I can never...

2006-04-07T19:35:00.000-07:00

Things I realized today:

Baby beagles are really cute (and pee all over the place and try to eat my toes)

Making lists make you much more productive

Waking up at 4AM has equal ups and downs

Biology degrees are way too hard compared to Liberal Arts degrees

I don't hang out that much anymore and my social skills are suffering because of this

I am getting really close to becoming a complete and utter loser (or even more of one)

2006-03-16T21:03:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting in a hotel room in exciting El Paso. The airline gave me a free round trip voucher to extend my vacation for another day. It includes room and board for the night as well. They screwed up my hotel reservation though so I had to finnagle my way into an AmeriSuites down the street. I have a two room suite that is not attatched to any credit card or name that is attatched to me. Mini bar, two queen beds, kitchenette. I am so gonna tear this place apart and then I'm gonna make poopie doops in the bathroom and not light a match after. That's the edge. It's where I live.

2006-03-14T22:28:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the feed back on that last one ass clowns. Well Vegas is pretty cool. Saw Amazing Jonathan last night, Tom Jones tonight and lost $400 dollars in less than an hour. Tom Jones was awesomely corny and I think I am going to buy a CD to play in my car when no one is in earshot or if I am traveling at a great enough speed so where a person I care about can not safely jump out while I sing "Sexbomb" to them. If you get in my car and are subjected to this, well... you have been warned.

Do you ever have that feeling that one portion of your life isn't going in the direction that you would like it to? Or perhaps more than one, but overall your life, or the main facet thereof is going forward? Maybe in a slightly diagonal pattern but in the general vicinity of precocious. Nothing feels like its crumbling down upon you but there is that nagging ache that says you should take action to bring dreams and desires to fruition. That your inaction, your decisions to sleep in night after night, your preference for evening sitcoms is leveraging your future. Well I have decetided... I'm taking up knitting.

2006-03-05T08:21:00.000-08:00

Before reading this, please reference the post from February 19th...all caught up? Good. Well I met that girl last night and my world didn't come crashing down around me. A portal didn't open in the ceiling and suck me through to limbo. The pink elephant in the corner didn't even come and try to mount me for some stegodon love. That doesn't change the fact that it was truly wierd. This is compounded by the facts that we were in a strip club, she is dating one of my best friends, this friend saved my life once, and I forgot I told him that I read her short story. Stay tuned to see how this unfolds.

2006-03-03T03:56:00.000-08:00

Things that happened yesterday:

spilled coffee on my pants and had to walk around all day with a stain that looked like I peed coffee. (not cool)
saw a girl that I used to work with and had a crush on for the second time in two days and she said "I guess we're going to see each other every day!" (cool)
said something incomprehensible about the stain on my pants rather than, "If I'm lucky" and ran away. (not cool)
thought about the line above in the middle of a quiet moment in the library and whispered "Fuck!" really loud (marginally not cool)
Ate Wendy's two different times (not cool)
Got shit on by a bird while eating Wendy's the first time (not cool)
the bird shit on my knee rather than on my head or on my food (cool)
Lost an 8 page paper in the ether that is the internet because it turned my .doc file into a octet stream? (not cool)
had to retype the entire thing (not cool)
saw that there was going to be an "Israel Block Party" on the West Mall and wondered, "what will the Palestinian students think?" (eh)
came out of class to see that there was a protest by the Palestinian Students Association who had dressed up like they were bedouins. They said that there had been some "complications" (very cool) would have been even cooler if they had claimed that the West Mall was originaly their mall and the formation of the Israel Block Party was forcing them out. Yet the only way that they could party was to sneak into the Israel Block Party and throw balls at the dunking booth and bob for apples.

Throughout all this I don't think I had a conversation with a single person. I think I am becoming more and more anti-social as the school days pass. I need to learn how to make friends again rather than just scowling and muttering to myself.

2006-02-19T09:58:00.000-08:00

I need to stop reading my previous blog posts. Do I really come off as that much of a d-bag?

Don't answer that.

So... funny story. I found a really cute girl on MySpace on one of those jaunts through a very complicated network of friends and friends friends and so on. I read a short story that she had, which was really very good. Then another blog post about how persona being merely a compilation of traits which we choose to project and this being amplified through a profile because you are able to be even more selective of those things which you let be known. I don't ever ask people to be my friend and I abhore the possibility that I may be percieved as "stalkerish"... So I left a missed connection on Craigslist. It was the first time I have ever done so and I peppered it with allusions to her short story and her theory about "metaspace". Hell, in her short story the male figure got a hold of his ex-"may have been true love except for a difference in political idealogue" the same way (I am nothing if not romantic (I just need follow through)) .
Well, I got a response. She said that it tickled her pink. That was really part of the goal, to make someone's day. Saying that something further would not have been cool would be lying but think of it from her perspective. When you get a missed connection your mind goes from elated and thnking about the great possibilities of spontaneous romance directly to skeptical. "What if he's fat? or socially inept?". (Rather, that's what mine did when I got a missed connection for the first time... and possibly the last.) Or thats what I imagined her thinking, and I overthink shit like this all the time, so I didn't follow up. I made someone happy, right?
And for the kicker: she is now dating one of my best friends (wasn't at the time of the missed connection). The friend who pulled me out of the pool and probably saved the use of my legs! I must have found her through his page. He doesn't read my blog, thankfully. What do I do when I meet her? Nothing? A sly comment alluding to the MC in terms that she will be able to understand?
The latter it is.

2006-02-17T05:22:00.000-08:00

WTF?!?

My Environmental Ethics professor requires around 100 pages of reading every week. I have already filled up a 1 and a 1/2 inch binder with front and back print outs of PDF files and we just had our first test yesterday. Luckily, we don't have to buy a textbook because it would be huge and, therefore, expensive. This is not like reading 100 pages of Harry Potter or a Communications textbook though. I have to highlight. HIGHLIGHT for gosh's sake. (gosh is what I named my brain). If I didn't highlight, I would have to underline, And ball point pens go through your cornea much easier than a felt tip highlighter. By the end of this class I better be an expert on bio-diversity maintnence, re-wilding techniques, the tenets of deep ecology, and so forth. So that I can recite them during the giant "hippy war" which is bound to happen if we don't end our rampant consumerism, affluenza if you will. OMG...I am becoming one of them. Where the fuck is my pastel polo and trucker hat?!?

2006-02-14T17:37:00.000-08:00

Aaaah. Valentine's day. I hardly noticed it going by this year. When Holliwell text me late this morning, "Happy V D". I could only think, "Did Holliwell infect me with syphillis without me knowing... again?" and then when I realized that the herpes had won the battle in my pants, I thought "Why is Holliwell so excited about Veteran's Day?". I'm serious. I thought this all the way until mid afternoon when I realized that I only have class on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Veteran's Day is always on Monday (I was at school).
Being single on Valentine's Day is horrible for women, I presume, but every guy who's attatched in January is usually plotting the death of said relationship and is so very happy when he does not have to make reservations, plan, and spend a fortune on February 14th. (I really hope ex is not reading this).
A buddy of mine suggested that we should make a date in March for "Steaks and Blowjobs"(sic) day. This would benefit both parties, I presume, in that guys would try that much harder in February in order to get the payoff in March. But this also leads to the possibility that women, if they are a cold hearted and calculating bunch (not passing judgement here), would just wait until after V-day but before S and BJ day to end relationships. Is the cost worth the risk? This one's gonna keep me up tonight.

P.S. My birthday's in March so either March could be really great or just a wash. (and I need to stop using parentheses and run on sentences)

2006-02-11T22:27:00.000-08:00

I went to the Big Head Todd and The Monsters show tonight because my mom wanted to go and it's her b-day tomorrow. It was kinda hard getting into the whole groove of a rock concert with my mom there but I am convinced of the benefits of "dance therapy". I am sure that everyone has heard of the hole "smile therapy" craze that swept Asia and then parts of the U.S. about a decade ago in which you were forced to smile with the theory that physical action entailing a certain emotion will trick the body into feeling that emotion.
Well, of course, you dance when you are happy and enjoying good music. So it follows... Well it is hard for me to let loose with my 57 (now 58) year old mom standing behind me. So I started dancing emphatically (with the help of a few beers), and it works. I even started dancing with group of cute girls who were next to us. When the show was over, my mom exclaimed, "It was a gift just to see you having such a good time". Love you Mom!

2006-02-05T08:50:00.000-08:00

If I was cool enough... I would have a party with this theme. It would be cool as far as the eye could see.

http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1658704/

2006-01-27T15:16:00.000-08:00

Things that make Bizzle horny:

Not Kate Neu unless "annoyed" reads "horny". Which it might.

Busses. No, seriously. All that vibration and the hot college girls. I had to ride the Forty Acres loop about three times today before I could dart out the door with my hand in my pocket into a clump of bushes while reciting baseball stastistics. Have fun commenting on this thread guys

2006-01-20T03:45:00.000-08:00

So this was the first week back at the scholastic powerhouse that is UT. I had so many aspirations for humorous undertakings over the past few months, during which, readmittance was on the horizon. Alas, the cold reality that is the essence of UT has set in and I have relegated to enrobe myself in the warm blanket called anonymity. I saunter in a medium pace donned in the requisite New Balances, jeans, T-shirt, and school hat from class to class, taking flyers from one of the many groups who have banded together to feel that they might be part of something. Like a school of fish in an infinite ocean. Stopping occasionally to check e-mail in a library or gain sustenance from a fast food chain, scoffing at the pierced, dyed hair freaks who attempt to assert some sort of individualism before crossing through that inevitable gate that is Sophomorism. Where they realize that the energy is not worth the payoff. This is not a world for idealism will soon become lucid and they will join our throbbing masses.
No more do I daydream about about staged fights between ninjas and pirates on the west wall, or holiday themed mass streaking sessions (think sodomized stuffed easter bunnies), or huge impromptu water balloon fights. Now I dream about spending the night in the UGL (now called the FAC? no one asked me!) hard at work on a fifteen page term paper about the role of humans in the environment and the ethical obligation stemming from that. Ah, college life, how I missed your cold embrace.

In other news, women are not as hot on campus as they used to be. When I was here last,the trend was bleach blonde hair. I got used to that. Now it's those stupid huge sunglasses, a la Paris Hilton, and bronze tans. Tip to the ladies: those glasses look stupid and everyone can tell when you use bronzing cream because your skin is a little orange. Plus fake tans make me think that you will taste like chemicals. Why would I be tasting you? you ask. I guess you'll never know.

Bizzle. out!

2006-01-15T11:06:00.000-08:00

I don't think my roomate reads my blog so I should be safe in writing this. If she does: she should hear it anyway. So we have this cat that doesn't necessarily have to be in Lilli's room and doesn't necessarily have to be outside of the room What is important to this cat is the option to be either in or out. This ordeal hasn't posed so much of a problem because Lilli isn't bothered by the TV when I stay up late, and I can close my door when I sleep. Well, now Lilli has found someone with whom she can have sex with. I'm not going to go so far as to call this person a girlfriend, as I don't think Lills would. Said persom is also, shall I say, quite vocal. Lilli's bed is also, quite vocal. Everyone sees where I am going with this right? So I'm sitting watching TV and I have to turn the sound up just to hear it. Some guys may think this is "living with a lesbian heaven". Oh yeah? It's like listening to your sister who is very close in age to you get pounded by someone with whom you can't make eye contact because most of the words you've heard come out their mouth are either, "Yes!" or gurgling. Don't ask. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to put all their dishes in the effing dishwasher while listening to their coital moans.

That felt good.

2006-01-12T19:38:00.000-08:00

For some reason I have put myself on social hiatus as of late. I do this every once in a while. It's normal. I just get tired of being anywhere but my house and I end up reading a whole lot. In other news: I wish my name was Steve. Or something besides Todd. Because "don't fuck with Steve" sounds a lot better than "Don't fuck with Todd" and I would like to talk in third person more.

2006-01-10T05:14:00.000-08:00

WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?! We know these people!

http://www.collegehumor.com/pictures/1623632/

2006-01-08T13:09:00.000-08:00

I'm just going to say that it was impossible not to drink after the horns pulled out the championship in the clutch. Sixth street was just crazy. The entire town went insane. I didn't go insane with them but I just wanted a taste of it. I have come to the conclusion, that much testosterone, and alcohol just don't belong together though. I have never seen so many fights. My diminuitive friend Bob even had a chair put up to his neck for what seemed like no reason by a GHB fueled muscle head shortly before the bar Paradise turned into a giant surging mass of cops and people complete with pepper spray. Waiting tables for all those years probably helped me slither through the crowd before I started holdng my face in pain. Go ahead and read that sentence again. Paradise erupted in chaos! Anyone who has been there knows how strange a picture this is. So...alas...I went five days without drinking.

2006-01-03T06:42:00.000-08:00

A whole month without drinking. This is going to be a toughie. Do I still remember how to have fun, go to sleep, or even drive without drinking? I'm now on day three and I have to say that it hasn't been that bad. I've gotten a lot more reading done, wake up without a headache, and vomit less. Alas, I still have yet to go out with friends and the Rose Bowl is on Sunday. Can I just avoid all calls from friends for a whole month?

2005-12-29T14:28:00.001-08:00

Go ahead and read that last entry but I just had to tell everyone about this. Go to www.postsecret.com. It's like confession for agnostics. Just awesome!

2005-12-29T14:28:00.000-08:00

Topic: popped collars

All of you know that among my many pet peeves are popped collars. Even more so now that it's out of style with the frat guy types who brought it into popularity. I saw a kid of about 18 today with a blue Lacoste polo with the collar defiantly pointing to the heavens. Would it have been mean to go up to this kid and tell him that he looks like an idiot with his collar up? Everyone who has seen him that day is thinking the same thing but they don't say anything, they silently judge. It would therefore be a kind thing to inform him so he could avoid further embarrasment, right? Thoughts?
I need to find a baseline for everyone else on Myspace as to how many friend requests they get from people they don't even know? It doesn't bother me but it confuses me a little. If you would like to check me out on Myspace, click this link: www.myspace.com/toddbush

2005-12-26T10:53:00.000-08:00

Check this out:

http://austin.craigslist.org/mis/119839491.html

http://austin.craigslist.org/mis/120152537.html

Merry Christmas to me. This was so much better than the hundreds of dollars in gift cards, the nasty case of bronchitis, or the chest of gold dubloons. Thank you girls for making mine a merry christmas.

2005-12-22T15:42:00.000-08:00

So I am moved into my new place. It is so far south that I get small pangs of remorse whenever I drive out there. It's nice having a garage and a big kitchen and a huge deck, but it's so f-ing far. I'll get used to it though because I am not moving for a couple of years.
When is the exact age where you start to actually dislike the holidays? It's not because you are dissappointed in your gifts, because it really is not about getting gifts. The thing that really sucks is gift inequality. When you are a poor college student you are worried that you didn't get anyone anything that they wanted when they got you something that is either expensive or extremely thoughtful.
Then there is the round of faking excitement at everything, and your Dad making you buy gifts for your step family when you didn't even get gifts for your real sisters whom you actually care about. They are good people but I could give a rat's ass what they think about me just because their Mom married my Dad after I was already an adult. It's just awkwardness covered up in smiling faces and glazed eyes for the sake of not causing trouble with my Dad whom I do care about.
Then there's the age where you start liking christmas again because you have little kids and loved ones to surprise and watch the real smiles. Like when you were a kid and liked christmas. But for now. F Christmahannukwanza.

2005-12-19T19:07:00.000-08:00

I started hand therapy the other day in order to get my monkey paw operational again and I don't think that I have ever inflicted so much pain on myself voluntarily ever. I would say that getting cathetered in my pee hole several times a day while in the hospital at the beginning of this long voyage was barely bearable but I made other people do that. Now I have to stretch atrophied muscles that haven't moved in a whole year. I have never felt so much lactic acid coursing through my tissues at one time. Anything to feel normal again though. (One tear...)

P.S. Did anyone read my freakin poem yesterday.

2005-12-18T07:00:00.001-08:00

The boy walked through the woods on a crisp autumn morning. The dried leaves crunching underfoot, the cold air burned his nostrils, the light seemed to be coming through rose tinted glass. If he stopped he could hear only quiet. It seemed to deafen and drown any thought or feeling that he might have. It was a tortured kind of peace. One which would not let you know any presence but it's own.
He saw the gray feathers peeking from below a pile of leaves as he approached a thick oak. He huffed the air through his nose as to purge the smell from his conciousness and paused. He summoned memories of breakfast, fresh eggs with garlic and onion and sharp cheddar, nearly burnt toast and strong black coffee but the quiet pervaded. As he stepped closer, he huffed once again. Even on tip toes the leaves still crunched. The wings were spread as if still in flight and it's coat shined a glistening white. A worm crawled out from the crook of the leg, a kind of nature's twisted irony and a lone ant perched atop the fuzz of the head as if silently summoning his compatriots. He walked quickly away with his sleeve still over his nose. Even out of the forest and halfway home he could still remember the eyes. Two tiny dark pearls, forever in between blinks, contemplating a decomposing forever.

2005-12-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

I don't think that Dunk reads these anymore so I can go ahead and say this. I was listening to Dunk talk to Shankey's mom last night and for a good deal of it he was talking about how he was angry at his sister because she told his parents that for Christmas she wanted them to give her a hundred dollars less per month and him a hundred dollars more because he doesn't work. He felt that this was a cheap way of earning his parents' favor... I don't know about you guys, but that's $1200 in almost free cash a year. If it was my sister, I would have given her a hug and told her that she overpaid for that parental kindness but it was a great gesture. Jess, if you are reading this, stop finding stupid reasons to get angry at people, take the money, thank your sister, and buy me a pony. I'm going to name him Clompy, and together we will roam the earth collecting lost souls.

2005-12-11T06:43:00.000-08:00

The right side of my face is swollen to a drastic degree! This is like 7 months after having my wisdom teeth taken out and I have been on anti biotics for like 3 months. I keep having dreams of what it would be like to not have a jaw. Could you imagine? I'd have to chew with my tongue and could only eat soft foods. I would probably have to create a new language consisting of whistling noises from my nose punctuated by banging my head on things to hammer points home. It would probably be a little harder to cruise for tail too. (Sympathy sex is so rare as to be non existent) I think about this a lot too.

More proof that I'm falling deeper into the depths of crazy: Since I have no stereo in my car currently, I have developed a 6 person dialogue that has taken the form of an AA meeting. One of the guys doesn't even speak English. It's some twisted dialect of high German. I was thinking though, none of the characters that manifest are ever women. Hmmm.

2005-12-08T17:18:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while I get a craving for a Big Mac from McDonald's. I know they are bad for me but something about that special sauce makes me want to make some of my own special sauce. So I'm sitting there in the dining room of my local fat peddler, half way through my second one when I see that they have started printing the Nutrition Facts on the back of the tray covers. This is a bad move on McDonald's part and here is why:
I realize that in one sitting I have just consumed in the neighborhood of 110 grams of fat. This is compounded by the fact that when I eat a burger I don't set it down. Whenever you set a burger down it's inevitable that the bun slides out of place, the meat slides out, or a homeless person slides one out on top of it. When you have food in your hand, it tends to go into your mouth so if there's always food in your hand, it goes in your mouth faster. All in all I finished two Big Macs (and a little cheeseburger because I like the fact that there are more condiments, by weight, than anything else) in about three minutes. Totally convinced that I was going to kick it in the next half hour, I did what any logical person would do. I whipped it out and started spanking it. With vigor.

Sorry about how that ended. I really didn't know how to close out that stream of consciousness. I thought the truth would be the best way. In further news: Many have noticed that we have a new blog commenter in our midst. I have told all that have inquired who "Drewsky" is, but he gets anxious when no body pays attention to him. And when drew gets anxious he starts spouting off obscure historical facts while touching little boys and none of us want to hear obscure facts, so.... Drewsky is my best buddy, Andrew Dunsky, who is currently getting his masters at Cambridge in a degree plan which would be totally useless unless he is getting his doctorate. Luckily, he is getting his doctorate. Everyone spout praise for Drew for, much like me, he must have his ego stroked once in a while.

2005-12-04T06:45:00.000-08:00

So I wake up yesterday to find a note on the kitchen table from my roomate, Lilli, that is asking me if I would be a pal and escort her to her company's holiday party at the Convention Center. Of course, I can't say no for fear of being a bad buddy, plus I kinda had a hand in keeping her up for most of the night, you can guess how...
I spend a couple of hours getting a tie, socks, and my suit from my Mom's house, and having her iron it (I have, to this day, never ironed an article of my own clothing> Bitches, man, bitches). I don't know if y'all know this, but I look freakin' hot in a suit. This girl who handles HR at my old job was there, and at a few points in the night actually licked me. I have had a crush on her for like 3 years and probably could have taken her home and had my way with her if it wasn't for my stupid nagging conscience. Lilli was even calling me a pussy, and I am dating one of her oldest friends. What should I have done gfellow bloggers?
In further Milton news: I haven't written a blog in a while because I was depressed over what looked like Milton resigning... but he's back! He came up to the counter yesterday and we were shooting it. He starts talking about the people at the trailer park and then says something about "this one guy who's a little bit of a celebrity". I ask him, "what do you mean a little bit of a celebrity, what's his name, maybe I know him"> I think that he's going to say someone like Cactus Pryor or someone who's only famous around here. He answers, "Matthew McCougnahey". They're buddies.

2005-11-22T06:57:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay in updates over the past few days friends. No excuses though.
So.. Milton, the retarded guy at work. Really isn't retarded. He's schizo-phrenic and the medications make him seem like he's slow. The truth is, he's married and lives in a trailer in Pecan Grove, that trailer park on Barton Springs that would be oh so cool to live in. He has even written a book about the trailer park and the people that have been there over the thirteen years that he has resided therein. Lesson of the Blog: Don't judge a schizo by his retarded cover.
This leads me to another question. Are there schizoes who hear nice voices? Like, "You should give that homeless man some money." Rather than, "You should kill that homeless man, eat his body, and make a windchime out of his bones." Or, "Simultaneous orgasms are more satisfying." Rather than, "You bought dinner, you don't owe her nothin'!"

2005-11-08T07:39:00.000-08:00

So we just hired a new cleaning guy at my job. His name is Milton and he is supposedly retarded. I'm not buying it though. I think its all a big act. Sure he drools a little, hunches over, laughs whenever I say poop, and pees uncontrollably when I tickle him. All fakable.
"Why fake being retarded?" you ask. Think about the advantages. You're completely excused of most adult responsibilities, there's probably some loop hole where you don't have to pay taxes, the state takes care of you and feeds you for the most part, you get to laugh whenever people say poop. That is the sweet life my friends. Its lke being drunk but everyone coddles you rather than being ashamed of you and if you whip out... no jail time. Just gasps and embarrased chuckling at what you can now all your "big head".

Here's where I take it to far.... you can sleep with that hot retarded girl without social stigma.

2005-11-06T07:08:00.000-08:00

Bizzle's fun "game of the week for us losers who still haven't graduated college"

Walk into your largest school library with flared nostrils and a handful of confetti; throw it in the air and say, "What are we waiting for? Let's Dance!"

5 points: for every person who starts dancing

100 points: if John Lithgow walks in behind you and scolds you for not living a "virtuous life"

500 points: if you have ever played chicken on a tractor.

post scores in the comment portion of my blog. We'll tally them next week. The winner gets a slightly sticky copy of Seven Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

2005-10-30T08:04:00.000-08:00

Another debaucherous halloween. For those of you who don't know already, I pulled a rope a dope and cancelled my previous costume and totally went as Kate. What was even more great about it was that right when I walked in, Kate wanted to take a picture, not knowing what I was dressed as. The look on her face was priceless when she finally realized. This will forever be known as "The Halloween that Kate got Owned".

That, ladies and gentleman, is called baiting. Now all of you sit back and enjoy the show because it is now Kate's turn in the eternal back and forth that is Kate and Bizzles friendship. She's like an angry porpoise. A horny, angry porpoise.
You might not know the reference but porpoises are very vicious creatures. Especially when you make fun of them. My uncle is a trainer at Sea World, as most of my family is, where he takes care of the dolphins. Now, one day the dolphins had to be put in the tank adjoining the porpoise tank because their tank was getting "upgraded" (i.e. massage jets, mini fridge). What started as a friendly back and forth between neighbors, turned into a vicious debate about who the cuter animal was (everyone knows dolphins are cuter). Then which species is smarter (toss up). Then why one always sleeps with their co workers (baiting (but also porpoises)). Well, my uncle, no longer able to bear the incessant chirping decided to dress up as an overly hairy porpoise in order to make fun of the porpoises' style sense (My uncle is a little off his rocker, like most of my family). To make a long story short, this is what they did to his Mustang.

They totally turned into a Sentra, painted it yellow, and smashed it. Bastards!

2005-10-25T05:29:00.000-07:00

A testament that people change:

I have beem into texting for the past couple of years, mostly because the sound of my voice makes people cringe. I have converted a few over since starting; just as someone coverted me a while back. But I never got into the whole T9 text prediction thing.
Until now. I started doing it when I got my new phone because I was too lazy to switch the settings (I know all you have to do is push the pound key), fully intending to switch back. I'll never switch back. It just spelled Merle Haggard without having to switch over to manual.
I have also decided to start titling my entries in different colors. Vibrant, no?

2005-10-21T08:32:00.000-07:00

Curb islands are overpriced planters that are intended to slow down traffic while also maintaining a bike lane. Or in other words: useless expensive objects designed to inflate the transportation budget so as to insure an ever increasing amount of extraneous money in future calculations. Yea beauracracy!

Well the ones in Kate's neighborhood are getting taken out. (why did I not mention the Ryan's whom also live there? They don't read my blog. Why not Jess? Because the no blogging son of a bitch is dead to me. Dead!) I hope they increse the speed limit on Shoal Creek though. Without those pesky curb islands the speed at which I can travel is limited only by the size of my balls.

I'll leave that comment out there for you to make fun of me. Enjoy.

2005-10-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

New pre test strategy... go see an awesome show and get krunk on rumpleminze and Lone Star. I totally raped that Spanish test, or rather violared los examinito. And screw studying.
IFN (In further news): I am one step closer to world domination. Vintage Ceramic Fruit Tree world domination that is. Here's my new baby. Damn! Stupid school computer won't let me link it. Its item number 6217623757 on ebay. Whats kinda wierd is that I know my collection is too big but the urge to buy more is bigger than me. Some nights I have dreams that thhe fruit trees are trying to kill me and I can't seem to get away. I toss and turn all night and wake up in a puddle of cold sweat. But there are the fruit trees, making me breakfast just like every morning. Now its gotten to the point where I don't think I can end it because I really do love them but im not IN love with them. The relationship might be coming to a close or maybe its just stagnant. I hate to say this, but, if I give up on them, who's going to take them in. I mean, they're old, a little bit bottom heavy, and let's face it, they just aren't as pretty as they used to be. Don't get me wrong, the sex is good, but its like we're just going through the motions as of late. They're not really into anything kinky and I've tried everthing I can think of. Le gusta me, me gusta le? No se.

2005-10-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

So everything for my Frat/Sorority guy/girl costume is ordered and in the mail. This is going to be the best halloween ever! I'm planning to get there a little late so everyone is already a little drunk and I can play my favorite game, "Catch up to the drunk people by bonging Jaegermeister and then bonging my own Jaeger vomit" I know, I know, but that is how you spell Jaeger.
In further news, we need to go camping at Lost Maples when the leaves change in mid to late November. It's going to be f-ing cold, which is good, much better than hot. Get back to me if you are down. I volunteer my camping buddy, Kate Neu, and Tyler will be there in spirit and we will probably make a drunken cell phone call to him in the middle of the night. I do all the cooking, Huevos con carbon for breakfast and Kate does the cleaning. We have this shit down to a science, all you need to do is buy firewood, beer, and Chorizo. Kate loves her Chorizo. Get back to me. Or rather... Hollah!

2005-10-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

So Jess decided to pass out after UT stomped all over OU. I did the natural thing and placed his hand in a bowl of warm water, for scientific reasons, with Lisa as my willing accomplice and Hollowell as a silent conspirator. It was in there for a good 45 mnutes (and Jess's hand was in water for 35). This trick does not work on Jess. We can't say that the hypothesis is incorrect because we don't have a large enough sample group... yet. I dare you to pass out while I'm still awake. I'm like the drunk energizer bunny. The drunk pranking energizer bunny.

2005-10-02T10:10:00.000-07:00

Oh man, way too much coffee! I'm sitting at work, fidgeting rather, and I can't study because I can't focus and the yoga place next door is having "body choir" and screaming in unison a lot to crappy music. I keep envisioning starting a gym against yoga studio war where I go in there with a couple of resident juicers upstairs and dismember a bunch of hippies and then eat their bodies for the protein but then vomit them back up because their flesh is soaked in patchoiulli. It's not reasonable or kind but thats what really gooes through my mind. I just gave you a window into my soul, will you keep it open. I know it's drafty but if you close it will get all stuffy and I'll think of killing hippies again. Oh god! I think I'm having a stroke!

2005-09-30T16:35:00.000-07:00

There is going to be a lot of talk about poop in this entry. so if you can't handle it, stop reading now.

In response to Lisa's blog about never having to use the can at ACL, here's the thing: I move my bowels an average of twice a day, I use an average of 25 squares of toilet paper per dump, there are 800 squares in a roll, I've bought one 4 pack of toilet paper since I've lived in my apartment, there's one roll left, I've lived in my apartment for 8 months. Doing the math, I should have used 15 rolls of toilet paper in that time if I defecate solely at home. That means 80% of my dumpy lumpkins are sent to their watery graves in unfamiliar toilets. Don't look at me like I'm a horrible father, death is better than being stuck in a man's colon. (If you take the last part odf that sentence, it sounds like I'm very homophobic). Moral of the story: "Don't invite me to your house, for I will drop some logs in your forest" (I don't even know what that means!)

In further news. I was telling my physical therapist how cool my Nokia is and how it never breaks. She silently asked me for an example so I dropped it from a total of 2 feet onto a carpeted floor. I have done this numerous times on accident from higher points, onto harder surfaces, plus dropped into a tank full of gasoline, twice! I've lit it on fire, given it a bath, fed it to a girrafe (you know how far girrafe turds have to fall!?!) and its been fine. It seems that 2 feet and a carpeted floor seem to be the 6620's kryptonite, or that's what it says iin the owners manual, should have read that sucker. Now I can only send and recieve calls, because the select key doesn't work. I can't even check my texts!

That'll teach me to spend $180 on a phone. So I just spent $220 dollars on a new Nokia that they don't even sell in the States. It's shock resistant, water resistant, has an MP3 player, a flashlight, a radio, a compass, a walkie talkie, a sound meter, bluetooth, infrared, a calendar. I'm not kidding, It'll be here on Monday morning. I will be having the ceremonious first dropping from my balcony that afternoon if you would like to come give me a call (not an f-ing text!).

2005-09-29T04:17:00.000-07:00

When you don't go out at all, don't have staph, are sans festering sore on you lip, or haven't just shaved off you beard (while cleaning out the last 8 ozs. of a botlle of pomade), there really isn't much to blog about.

Except, it's 6:15AM and I'm chowing down on a new flavor of yogurt I found at my local health food store. It's called Marionberry. What came first? The marionberry, or the crack smoking democratic mayor of D.C. who got elected to a second term after the scandal? I don't care. All I know is that these crunchy pieces are delicioso. My mouth is kinda numb though. What's that on my arm? A freckle? I'm gonna dig that out.

2005-09-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

That poem rocked!

BTW. I found a girl's website and I think we need to convince her to move to Austin and fill in for Katie Spencer in her absence. Guess what her name is... Kate Spencer. Creepy huh?

But this one is funny. Check her out at www.katelikesyou.com.

2005-09-24T22:18:00.000-07:00

I wait on my balcony

for the music to come to me.

The first night I missed the fest.

I wait with desire

for the beautiful fire

can't miss a note, beat lest..

a moment shall pass

a riff be the last

and my life was just in jest.

2005-09-23T14:11:00.000-07:00

I need a job where I work in the morning again. I've now gotten in the habit of setting my alarm to get 8 hours of sleep but when the alarm goes off, I hit snooze for 3 hours. I'm not exaggerating. I wake up every 15 minutes. The only reason that I can rationalize doing this is because I have the craziest dreams that I don't really remember past a few hours.

The one that I had just before I came to work was about driving this huge purple hoopty around a city that I didn't recognize. I all of a sudden got a craving for a hamburger and stopped at what seemed like a Carl's Jr. I wanted time to look over the extesive menu so I went to the one that was posted in the bathroom. This place was cool. You could choose specific things like what type of lettuce (arugula, bib, green leaf, romaine, etc.) or tomatoes (heirloom, roma, vine ripe) and they had all these different kinds of meats and cheese. I looked at the menu for what seemed like 30 minutes in dream time before ordering a sirloin burger with smoked cheddar and beef bacon, bib lettuce drizzled with a little balsamic vinnagrette, roma tomatoes, grilled vidalia onions, chiopotle mayo, and dijon mustard.

My alarm went off right before I bit into it so I got dressed and went up to P. Terry's.

2005-09-18T08:05:00.000-07:00

Hippie Chicks!

Everyone knows that I am prejudiced against hippies. They're cool but truthfully, I judge them right when I get that giant draft of patchoulli announcing their free loving, large government presence. This may be from dating so many of them. Why the hell am I still attracted to these pot heads? Why are they cool with me?

Do liberal chicks just want a crew cut, fratesque, anglo conservative? Do I just want a dirty hippie?

Is it that whole, I can change them with my love thing? Because I know its not. I've changed them for a time, but after I kicked them to the curb they went right back to their organic gardening, co op living ways. (Seriously, I have to show you one of my exes MySpace profiles. After I read it, I vomited and then took a 2 hour shower concentrating on the Netherlands)

This entry is prompted because I just gave this serious hippy a tour of the gym just now. She seriously skipped everywhere, and would ramnle off when talking and when I asked her what she was saying she would tell me that she had an active imagination. Yeah, or your really high! At the end of the tour, she stuck round shooting the shit for a half hour and then told me I was really cute and asked me out... to a drum circle!

I almost didn't tell her that I am dating someone. My imagination was pretty active too. but I am really high.

2005-09-15T07:40:00.000-07:00

The world of ceramic fruit tree collecting is very feast or famine. You won't find any on ebay or anywhere for like 9 months and then bam! There's three beautiful pieces all at once. I will be very happy to make these additions to my ever growing ceramic produce family. Its difficult being at the top of the highly competitive world of obscure specialty antique collecting. Its not a large group. Actually, the only other person in it is what I assume to be an old lady living out in the country who beat my bid at the last moment on this great indigo piece. I get this from checking the previous auctions that she has won. She purchased a hand stitched quilt, an old foot powered sewing machine, a case of tapioca flavored Ensure, among other things. Bitch better hope we don't meet in a dark nursing home hallway. I learned how to kill an old lady slowly with her own knitting needles back in 'Nam.

In further news... Jess "the cheap Jew" Dunkel, as everyone will now refer to him, and I went to Shoal Creek Saloon last night for some pitchers and conversation. At the end, we split the bill, it came out to $21 each. I tipped my customary five dollars then asked Jess what he tipped. 2$! F-ing $2. Jess is usually a pretty generous guy, but under %10?!? I'd beat him with a sack full of valencia oranges (because it doesn't leave a bruise), but I think he'd like it. Everyone please berate him accordingly.

2005-09-13T18:38:00.000-07:00

Next party idea for when Kate conveniently has to work: We'll call it "The Meating". This revolution will be taped and subsequently televised. I got the hook up on a truckload of D grade ground beef. It's D grade, that's not failing, it just means its not fit to be sold to in retail outlets but oh so fit to frolick in, wearing a minimum of clothes.

Think of the possibilities. We combine man's two favorite things: meat and naked chicks and, of course, beer. Then, it's like playing with fire for those of us who live dangerously, you have dysentery, explosive diarhea, salmonella, and, if we're lucky; mad cow.

Even better, if theres a little bit of manure, we can call it "The Staph Meeting"

2005-09-13T16:20:00.000-07:00

This one's for you Kate. I know how sad you get when you can't get that daily glimpse into the inner workings of my soul.

One day soon, I think I am going to be that guy who everyone has to take care of. Lisa just made it look so fun the other day. (That's not a dig on you Lisa) I'm by no means saying that I am the model of responsibility. Everybody knows that Todd likes his sauce to the extreme just as much as Kate (that was a dig on you Kate). Anyone want to join in the debauchery?

2005-09-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

Why Jess Dunkel is a actually a chick.

Man, Jess is going to get mad at me for this one.

So I try to perform the disappearing act that everyone does at partes when you don't want to have to say "nice to have met you" to a lot of people that you could care less about at that given point in time. You know what I'm talking about. If you're not trying to impress anyone, there's no point in the pleasentries. If I wanted to impress; I would of just come in the buff. Well, Jess was sitting in the middle of said group of people so I weighed my options and decided to exeunt. Well, I didn't add the over emotional text messages to the scale. Jess did actually see me as I was in my car and said goodbye but heres the texts.

1: So wait-how were you going to leave so shadily without saying goodbye

2:Glad I was outside, douchebag McAsswipe

Check it. This is how you can really tell that he's hurt. "Without" not "w/o" and he capitilized the "A" in "McAsswipe". Now those are extra keystrokes that a dude wouldn't use. Unless... he was mensturating

2005-09-07T17:49:00.000-07:00

I really hate people who don't know how to shake hands. Well, not them per se, but their dads who never taught them the importance of a good handshake. Maybe they didn't have a dad, then its acceptable.

There's the limp wrist. Usualy this also goes along with the people who don't know how to grab firmly as well. Kate doesn't have this problem, which is why I'm scared of the "stag" semi formal w/ free hjs. Learn that you have the grip power of Big John in the "Over the Top" (BTW, one of the greatest Stallone movies of the late eighties; where he teaches his long lost son the tough, learn from your own mistakes, world of long haul trucking and competitive arm wrestling).

Then theres the vikings. They always insist on grabbing your wrist really, really hard with the excuse that they're checking for hidden daggers. I'm wearing short sleeves and what the hell are you doing in Texas in the 21st century for Valhalla's sake?

But worst of all: "The early grab". These are those people who squeeze too early and end up just getting the tips of your fingers where you can't grab back. You break the handshake and you feel like the d-bag who can't grab back. I wonder sometimes if they do this just for the emasculated feeling the other person gets. If so...I'm going to start early grabbing.

2005-09-04T08:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever recieved a text mid slumber and awoken to find its from a number which you don't recognize? Any blog readers knowe the number (512)740-6338? This mystery will be solved.

In further news, I hate dshes in the sink. Hate it, hate it, hate it. You may say I have an OCD. Whenever I get home, my roomate has piled a whole days worth of dishes up to the edge, they have solidified food particles on the plates, red gatorade stains on the glasses, and human blood all over the spoons! You can't get that shit out! Its worse than tomato sauce. People call me anal retentive but thats my only peeve.

Speaking of "anal retentive" as a means to segway into another topic: Freud made up the whole theory of anal retentivity (now thats a cool word), saying that when people are infants they are one of two types. Anal retentive individuals derive pleasure from the exercise of power that they have over their parents because they won't "give up" their poop. When they hold on to it, especially during potty training, they recieve attention and get to keep their precious brown gold all to themselves. Anal expressive individuals, on the other hand (or the other cheek rather), derive pleasure from "giving up" their shit to their parents. Their parents enjoy this tremendously for some reason and the kid realizes the pleasure of letting the doodoo express fly past his ass station like its some small Wisconsin village not even worth slowing down for on its way to Porcelain City. Unless its the local. Then he still gets a little joy as he grunts it out car by fiber filled box car.

After that description, wouldn't you like to join my new club, "The Asspressers"? We only Ass-press on special occasions, like my birthday. But we ass-express everyday. It will be a club totally devoted to something that we have had the joy of creating. We sweat and push and cry this thing into the world and we should be able to share it with other like minded individuals. Well, not share per se, but descriptions and feelings and if you want to, even pictures. You might be wierded out at first but dig deep. Mentally!

Isn't this what you have always really wanted more than a club devoted to the most anal retentive person you and I know?

DEUCES

2005-09-02T20:59:00.000-07:00

Another night of getting drunk beyond the point of reason or sanity last night. To be young and still have a working liver, I thank my lucky stars everyday. I have no interesting topics today. This blog is just out of duty. Peace!

2005-08-26T18:14:00.000-07:00

Man, I really wish that I could download AIM at work w/o getting in trouble. I get so bored and I just finished my book (read last post). Every once in a while someone will come and talk to me but its not enough to get my social fix. Any ideas on what I can do to pass the time besides folding towels, doing crunches on a stability ball or testing how long I can hold my breath? I held my breath the entire time that I typed..... I just passed out. That killed about thitry seconds...but a million brain cells. I need better ideas people!

2005-08-26T16:51:00.000-07:00

You ever get to the end of a good book and then you're kind of sad because you can't read it anymore? I don't care.

2005-08-25T05:12:00.000-07:00

Forgot to mention the highlight of the adventure pre-drama. I'd like to say we but it was just me figuring out different nomenclature for my rusty sheriff's badge, or perfect ruby starfruit. My favorite: German Chocolate Factory. So then I can say "the workers are revolting at the factory". I'm German so it works. The phrasing not my ass. I mean my ass works. nevermind.

2005-08-25T04:19:00.000-07:00

Went toobing with my buddies yesterday. Toobing is usually the antithesis of drama...not yesterday. We go down the San Marcos twice and and at the end, we are asearching through the cooler for my friend, Bob's, keys. We are sure that we have lost them in the river and the usual remorse sets in. Then one of us looks back at the car where Hayden is searching through the back seat. He had to get in somehow right? Bob says, "I'm going to punch him in the face". Just effect right? No. We watch from afar, laughing in disbelief as they get into an all out slugging match.

Idiot that I am, I'm laughing as we break them up. I do that when I get nervous, makes one night stands awkward. Its 5:30 now. In the morning and I'm at work. Before I got here I had realstic dream that I got new tires on my car and instead of being my real car; it was a pearl white 96 Nissan Maxima with 250,000 miles that didn't have any power. I couldn't find Maxima anywhere in my dream book. Any ideas on what that could mean.

2005-08-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

Sorry about that lame blog. I'm better now. Especially since I found out that Neil Patrick Harris, also known as Doogie Howser M.D, has got his own show. Primetime television is saved. Maybe NPH will bring back the late 80s kind of TV. Back when there was the Wonder Years, Married With Children, and of course, DHM.D. The shows that really made me into the spiteful yet overemotinal compulsive liar that I am.

Finally, television can complete my upbringing in my mid twenties where it left off in those horrible horrible 90's. They took away Air Supply, Styx, and Seinfeld and gave us reality television, and a never ending stream of Law & Orders and CSIs and crappy medical shows where they never have a single moment of time where they are not talking. There is no way that any group of people is that smart.

These new shows say that your life always has to be dramatic, your relationships overly contentious, and that any crime can be solved by looking at the most obscure possibility. Hopefully NPH's return to the small screen after a brief stint snorting coke off a whore's ass on the silver screen will bring misogynism and strange living situations back into chic. Now I can once again have a model for living the way I'd like too besides my already reversed version of Will and Grace. (BTW: I live with a hispanic lesbian republican)

2005-08-21T06:10:00.000-07:00

Women seriously confuse the hell out of me. Maybe its just other people in general and I just am more concerned with my relationships with women. Feelings are in the balance you see? No matter how careful, I inevitably make a fool of myself. Let too much of how I feel be known. Say something I shouldn't in a late night text. Whatever.

Sorry I let that get serious for a second. What, do I think this blog is for me? Will promptly switch back to my normal, apathetic, wisecracking self.

2005-08-20T06:02:00.000-07:00

So I took some Yohimbe Bark extract last night.. Who knows why I do such things. This stuff is supposed to increase bloodflow to the nether regions. If you read Kates blog about Colorado then you know that I realy don't need such herbal influences. Well its morning now and lets just say that I haven't moved from behind the desk as of yet. Well if anyone needs a tour of the gym, my arm's not going to get tired of pointing at things. I just hope they don't want to do push ups.

2005-08-19T13:09:00.000-07:00

So my blogging friends and I went out last night. Why we go out in public no one knows. Those two are so horribly disfigured its like watching a godzilla movie. All the townsfolk just runniing and screaming. Kate belching fire and brimstone, no seriously, your breath smells like sulfur and rotting babies. Someone had to tell you and since I enjoy doing it, it might as well be me. Jess... well, you have a tail. Its not huge, its like a little nubbin. Like a hamster, its kinda cute.
ummmm...jk?

2005-08-18T11:19:00.000-07:00

Profiling myself? Heck yes!
I Love attempting to describe myself to the rest of the blogging world. Amost as much as I love pooping scoops. Check ot my profile to know what that means.
I got burned in a real bad way. KateNeu didn't burn me back after I so viciously burned her in my last blog. By neglecting my burn it doubled the intensity of said non existent burn. Thats like a third degree burn. Did my burn do more than just burn? Was it less of a "day after a drunken jalapeno eating contest and I can't wipe away the burning" burn and more of a "a friend of mine exploited my sensitivity" burn? I said bring it back. Not go into a rant about dried cheese products. I'm not dissing powdered cheese in any way. Those flaming hot cheetos burn me nice.
Burn.

2005-08-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

You ever seen a man in the beginning throes of addiction? Well keep your eyes peeled and your fly closed cause I'm going to take you on a ride. My drug of choice isn't crack or heroin. Those are my second and third respectively. My first is semi witty banter about current events and the inane goings on in my life. Shes a relentless bitch.
So I love text messaging, no really, I love it. It's number four on my list of, well, you know. No awkward silences. No embarrassig statements or admissions that you didn't think all the way through. If you drunk text after a long night, the ex really can't tell if you're drunk or just "reading late" or "can't sleep". If you do say something embarrassing, you can just say someone else got a hold of your phone. Not that I do anything of these things but its nice knowing that I can You can choose how you feel from a whole range of punctuation marks combos resembling faces. There is one downfall though. Sarcasm doesn't translate very well in to text though. I'll think of a good example and post it later.
Here's where I sow the seeds of discotent with other bloggers in order to create an interesting string of banter to keep me entertained. So I spent a week with in Colorado with my oldest friend, Kate, and a mutual friend of ours whom we call Tyler. Tylers cool but I realize now that Kate is a little overbearing. Take that.. but bring it back.

P.S. they made me listen to Belle and Sebastian against my will.