So there is obviously a difference between funny and stand up funny. One is different than the other in that one stands on stage while the other talks to his/her freiends but I always thought that I could make the jump to on stage funny if I really had to. I know that it is my blog readers' jobs to keep me tethered to the earth, while also lifting me up on their shoulders, while also crushing my self esteem beneath the heels of their boots of criticism. A friend told me the other day that the one friend that they knew who was actually funny had moved away and that now they didn't know anyone else who was funny. I just stared at them aghast.

"You don't think I'm funny?" I asked. "You're hilarious but you funny isn't who you are." This just didn't compute. I'm an egoist and pretty much think that I can do anything, not necessarily better than everyone else, but definetley better that anyone else. I've always thought that I could get up on a stage and make people wet themselves. Am I not funny? This egoist needs stroking.

It's been a long time and I'm afraid my apologies may fall on apathetic ears but I give you my sincerest condolences anyways guys. It's been a long time and I really think that last blog was pretty sub par anyways. I'm out of practice now and I fear this blog may not be the "banner blog" we all strive for. BTW: kudos to Mustard.

I guess I just have to say, first of all, I don't really have a valid excuse. Second, should I get all mushy in a blog that is dedicated to superficial rants, tributes, and whatnot? Screw it! I don't do tributes and the I refuse to give the subject the url to my blog.

I have only introduced the current girlfriend to two of you readers, one of which actually completely forgot her name last time I talked to her and due to circumstances, namely: I'm never around, I don't get to really talk about her. Jen is probably the most hard assed bitch I've ever met and to keep a complete asshole like me straight, that is ideal. Furthermore, I feel like trying to explain her in my words wouldn't do her justice so is it cool if she meets everyone! Notice the lack of a question mark.

Othernews:

So there is a lot of homeless people begging at the intersections in the area that I live. I see these people everyday and I feel that I really get to know them through the glass of my car as they beg for change. I've really taken to the couple that always is on the southbound access road of the Wm. Cannon exit of IH-35. The light turns green and everyone rolls through and the couple wave enthused from the gaurdrail at all the people in their air conditoned cars. It must be hard to wave so energetically with the melanomas growing on their back from begging in the hot sun all day. I wave back, I like to see the smile on their faces.

The other day I rolled down my window and called the lady over. I let her stick her head in front of the AC vent and told her that I had just spent a grand getting that shit fixed and how it was worth it so that I wouldn't have to go anyplace with a sightly damp shirt. I think she agreed but I couldn't hear her over the screaching of my tires and the clunk of her head against my door sill. The light turned green.

Then there's the black dude in a wheel chair who's missing a leg from the knee down. He sits on the westbound side of Wm. Cnnon where it intersects IH-35. He tells me my future. He always comes up to my window as I'm blaring the music. I turn it down when he starts screaming at me and he says, "got any change?" I say, "No, working on plastic just like the rest of the middle class holmes." He says "It's cool man but I can tell you're a good person, but there's something in your life that you need to quit. I can sense it." I stop staring blankly at the bumper of the car in front of me, look at the creepy glaucoma fogged, homeless guy's eyes, and jump on the gas. Why did I rent sixteen candles for umpteenth time?