So there is obviously a difference between funny and stand up funny. One is different than the other in that one stands on stage while the other talks to his/her freiends but I always thought that I could make the jump to on stage funny if I really had to. I know that it is my blog readers' jobs to keep me tethered to the earth, while also lifting me up on their shoulders, while also crushing my self esteem beneath the heels of their boots of criticism. A friend told me the other day that the one friend that they knew who was actually funny had moved away and that now they didn't know anyone else who was funny. I just stared at them aghast.

"You don't think I'm funny?" I asked. "You're hilarious but you funny isn't who you are." This just didn't compute. I'm an egoist and pretty much think that I can do anything, not necessarily better than everyone else, but definetley better that anyone else. I've always thought that I could get up on a stage and make people wet themselves. Am I not funny? This egoist needs stroking.

It's been a long time and I'm afraid my apologies may fall on apathetic ears but I give you my sincerest condolences anyways guys. It's been a long time and I really think that last blog was pretty sub par anyways. I'm out of practice now and I fear this blog may not be the "banner blog" we all strive for. BTW: kudos to Mustard.

I guess I just have to say, first of all, I don't really have a valid excuse. Second, should I get all mushy in a blog that is dedicated to superficial rants, tributes, and whatnot? Screw it! I don't do tributes and the I refuse to give the subject the url to my blog.

I have only introduced the current girlfriend to two of you readers, one of which actually completely forgot her name last time I talked to her and due to circumstances, namely: I'm never around, I don't get to really talk about her. Jen is probably the most hard assed bitch I've ever met and to keep a complete asshole like me straight, that is ideal. Furthermore, I feel like trying to explain her in my words wouldn't do her justice so is it cool if she meets everyone! Notice the lack of a question mark.

Othernews:

So there is a lot of homeless people begging at the intersections in the area that I live. I see these people everyday and I feel that I really get to know them through the glass of my car as they beg for change. I've really taken to the couple that always is on the southbound access road of the Wm. Cannon exit of IH-35. The light turns green and everyone rolls through and the couple wave enthused from the gaurdrail at all the people in their air conditoned cars. It must be hard to wave so energetically with the melanomas growing on their back from begging in the hot sun all day. I wave back, I like to see the smile on their faces.

The other day I rolled down my window and called the lady over. I let her stick her head in front of the AC vent and told her that I had just spent a grand getting that shit fixed and how it was worth it so that I wouldn't have to go anyplace with a sightly damp shirt. I think she agreed but I couldn't hear her over the screaching of my tires and the clunk of her head against my door sill. The light turned green.

Then there's the black dude in a wheel chair who's missing a leg from the knee down. He sits on the westbound side of Wm. Cnnon where it intersects IH-35. He tells me my future. He always comes up to my window as I'm blaring the music. I turn it down when he starts screaming at me and he says, "got any change?" I say, "No, working on plastic just like the rest of the middle class holmes." He says "It's cool man but I can tell you're a good person, but there's something in your life that you need to quit. I can sense it." I stop staring blankly at the bumper of the car in front of me, look at the creepy glaucoma fogged, homeless guy's eyes, and jump on the gas. Why did I rent sixteen candles for umpteenth time?

I'm turning back into a hippy and I think I like it. No I'm not supporting a socialist overthrow of the government and I'm not smoking weed again.

I am:

1. Taking a yoga class

2. Building a garden in my back yard

3. Contemplating moving next to campus and riding a bike everywhere

4. Writing poetry (icky romantic poetry!)

5. Getting a degree in Conservation

What is going on?

Am I a fair weather blogger? Dare I ask?

Perhaps I only blog when I feel alone, when I need to reach out to the 3 1/2 people who read my blog. To recieve their feedback and know that someone still listens to me. Perhaps.

I think that we may have covered all the inane quirks that exist in this world through our writings. Others write about what is going on in their lives yet I write about things which only allow you to see into the paper thin supeficiality that I project so that no one may know the real me. I am destined to be a politician I fear. Will I stop? Someday.. not today!

In the one day that I had between summer sessions I decided to play for par and get trashed with some friends. I stayed over at a buddy's house (after a rocking '80s theme party) where I was not blown upon by a fan or treated to the subzero temperatures of my house, and The Todd sweats in his sleep. I woke up in his guest room in a puddle of cold liquid with his dog curled up next to me. I thought, "Did I pee the bed? Did I sweat that much? Did the dog pee on me?" I immediately doubted the first two possibilities and told my buddy that the dog peed on the bed. He said, "she's never done that before," and we inspected the soaked mattress. "It goes from your feet to your head!" he said. I fearfully concurred and we briefly acted out how the dog would have had to straddle me and walk along the length of my body while raining her urine upon me. "Improbable but possible," I said and laid a towel down while he sniffed the area. "Doesn't smell like pee," he said. "Could I sweat that much?" I responded. He looked at me with an understanding look and said, "you owe me."

I'm not a daddy!

So for the past three years there has been this thought lingering at the back of my head that I might have a kid. I found out that one of my exes was pregnant a few months after we broke up. Even when she had the kid there were still like two months discrepancy between when we broke up and nine months before Cash born. In my mixed up head though there was still the minute possibility that I could be a daddy. Me and a couple of guys at work were talking about their kids and so I brought up my "5 percent kid" as I oft call him. Then I showed them his pictures on his Mommy's MySpace. They said he looked exactly like me (it's true, he's smoking hot). This was too much, so I sent a message through MySpace, because I have no tact, and Angel replied that indeed I am not his Daddy. Woo hoo!

I think Mac might be luring icustomers into a false sense of isecurity with all their talk about how "Macs don't get viruses." This may be true now but when that ibug does come out Macs are probably going to be left with their pants down because their users never thought this would happen and there's no anti virus to protect against it. They had to take their macs in to get fixed at Mac authorized dealers numerous times in the past few years but now an ivirus!?! Time to get down off your ihorse mac users because the imassacre is coming.

Same thing with volvos. Can't be safe anymore. Back when they were all boxy the safety didn't come from the fact that they were designed better, it came from the fact they were rolling birth control. People could better concentrate on the road because no one in a Volvo back then was getting laid. That's why people had them after they had kids: to stop them from having more kids. Then with that fear alleviated they were driving up to their full potential. Now they are all sleek, and cool, and fast: deathtraps!

I think I am going to build a bird house. Nothing flashy just a little tudor inspired piece. I think that the attention to detail and patience required will do me good. I have shit loads of tools that I never use because when I go into a hardware store my manhood kicks in due to all that testosterone in the air. I have drills, saws, chisels, compressors which all sit in quiet anticipation for times like these. Mrs. Neu would be proud. She would be even more so if I were building a pneumatic bird house but the engineering involved in making it weather and beak proof are beyond my abilities at this time.

Building a home for a faimily that is needier than I may even aid in a philosopical paradigm shift. Even more so because they are not even in the same genus let alone phylum as I. Perhaps it will aid in transcending my customary anthropocentric world view to that more aligned with the likes of Arne Naess and Dan Jantzen when they set out the platform for Deep Ecology and biocentrism. It may help me be a better person and a better member of our Gaia community. I will have to restrain mysellf from teaching the birds to do my evil bidding though. That will be tough. I guess you could say that I'm building a little bird house in my soul.

P.S. Even more so!

Late night grocery shopping really is the way to go if you like less crowds, finding everything you need because they just stocked (things like original flavor Sunchips and powdered gatorade are always slim pickins during the day), close parking, and maneuvering around boxes and forklifts.

This is not the way to go if you prefer crowds, like long lines, enjoy sleep, or are scared of crazy people. It is a rather good time to study those in our society who aren't burdened by sanity.

Example 1: The guy just getting off his panhandling shift at the intersection of William Cannon and IH-35. I see this guy daily and always thought that he had some kind of nerve disorder because of his halting style of walk and tendencyto suddenly stop, grasp his sign in one hand, shake it vigourously and wave at the traffic with a tortured grimace on his face. It turns out that it must be sugar induced. He was buying a whole case of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and a 2 liter bottle of Coke. He then walked halt free out of the store.

Example 2: Loud overweight black lady who keeps screaming at everybody. She was in line buying a large amount of assorted candy as well (coincidence?) and a Mickey's. I heard her yelling, "What are you looking at?" and turned, because I like "the drama". She was inquiring this of me. I feebly answered, "Lean Pockets, they're on sale." I thought this would get ugly but all she said back was, "Them Pepperoni ones are good." So I said, "Hell yeah." and grabbed three boxes cause thems pepperoni ones are second only to the turkey and brocolli ones. Fuh Shizzle.

Example 3: The quick little toothless lady who kept darting back and forth around the store only to end up needing a product right next to the ones I was surveying every time. (She took the last of the broccoli and turkey lean pockets) She ended up ahead of me in the only non-express checkout line and kept arguing with the checkout girl about the price of each item. When they had to break from their conversation to get a price check she asked the couple behind her all crazy toothless like, "You wanna come back to my house and I'll fix up some fajitas? I make my own pinto beans." I couldn't hear their response but she then proceeded to ask the same question of the girl behind them and directly in front of me. She ignored her and crazy lady went back to her place in line. WTF crazy lady? I would have liked some fajitas and home made pinto beans.

Maintaining two blogs is tough! I'm really not that creative but I'll squeeze one out just so Lisa doesn't yell at me again. Lay down guys I'm putting this one on you chest. Just kidding, but didn't that give you some wierd mental imagery? Like this...I was going to put the "grossest web video ever" on that link but it really is the grossest web video ever and I think I've shown it to everybody. That one is just funny. You didnt even watch it did you? Well watch this one for real. It's long but hilarious as long as you keep telling yourself, "These guys are now uber stars" the whole time. Then make sure you thank Ryan Mustard for bestowing the knowledge of this great kernel of hilarity upon all of us. I urge you to text him the opening line of the show. Any way you do it, just let him know you watched it and he will be happy. Make him think that he told you and doesn't remember but don't let him know I told you whatever you do.

Isn't it special that Mustard is in two of our blogs this week? Too bad he doesn't know because he doesn't read our blogs.

I think I may be addicted to NPR. This was evidenced when I am the only person in two of my classes who can comment to the professor on "this thing they heard on NPR the other day." This means that I have entered the realm of geezerhood at the ripe old age of 24. I know it doesn't sound that old but ask Mustard, or Holliwell. There is a marked difference between 24 and 23 that none of us had expected. This might not be so evident to Mustard since he was old at 21, but for a guy who is in his "mid twenties" and still a junior in college, who still wants to get his masters, and who still wants to go be a park ranger for a couple of years before making his millions, this is near tragic. Basically, I feel I am too old to feel as young as I do. Asking my mom for money at the age at which she already had three kids, asking my dad for money at the age at which he was working on his second masters is not as cool as I never thought about.

I am that guy in class who has read the required AND supplemental material and has his papers done on time. I need a gray wig instead of my cargo shorts, New Balances, and super cool vintage T-shirts. I need to go buy some plaid button up shirts, and some jeans from Wal-Mart then I will look my age. Then I will sit in the front of all my classes and make comments and ask questions while completely oblivious to the eyerolling occuring behind me. I will become best friends with the professor and/or TA and totally fuck up the curve.

Then I will go out an party in a dress till all hours of the night and hook up with random chicks/friends of the opposite sex to the delight of my friends who will ridicule me until they realize that i am oblivious to their jabs. For I am a master of rationalizing my actions no matter how dispicable.

I'm a little worried about my pops as of late. I went out there over the weekend and he's definetly getting more adamant in his views and more eccentric in his actions as he nears sixty:

He's about to buy about buy the thirty adjacent acres to his land complete with bull riding arena.

He's accumulating guns at the rate of about 1 a month

Is qualifying for his concealed carry liscense and WILL carry a gun with him at most times

Shot a dog that came on his property the other day. He said it was confronting him but I don't know

Is running for city council in the town which he lives in (I'm his campaign manager)

Thinks Bono should be "drawn and quartered" for advocating the unfettered relief effort in Africa because "so many shouldn't be living in an area where the land cannot support them"

I love that old coot and, like it or not, is probably a probably a pretty good look into my future. That is if the world does not end at the end of 2012 like so many people are predicting. Join the armament!

I think my roomate and I may have stumbled on a very entertaining sport: puppy on cat wrestling. It's the greatest thing ever. It seems that they are evenly matched (really my cat is probably just choosing to not scratch the shit out of the unknowing puppy) and seem to even know the whole "three count" theory because they actually hold each other down until I slap the mat(carpet) three times. I need to look into getting a gaming liscense in Vegas because this has serious betting potential and they don't really get hurt. It's just insanely cute.

Also, tomorrow is national high five day. This is where you high five as many strangers as possible. I'm sure we will meet a bunch of interesting people. Coincidentally(sp.), NH5D falls on 4-20 this year which adds a whole other level of awesomeness to the holiday.

I just got finished watching "What About Brian" on ABC. I really am only a conniseur of the TV shows that come on at 9PM because that is about the earliest I ever get to watch TV and am in bed by 10:30. because I hold down that level of loserdom which few can, or want, to reside in

For those of you fortunate not to have seen it; it is about this guy who has watched all of his closest friends find love, happiness, and success while he only finds the last of the three. Really it is the most overly dramatic of the romance shows that have come out in the past decade. It tried to target what I can only imagine is the nouveau crowd who enjoyed "thirtysomething" when it was sucessful, but I can only imagine what crowd that was by talking at length with my mom about the shows that she watched when she was thirtysomething and am afraid that the pain of the knitting needles in my eye sockets (self inflicted) will be too great to catch the next episode next Monday. can't wait...

Do you remember when you liked Paula Abdul and Keanu Reeves?

or when you weren't scared of the Easter Bunny?

Things I realized today:

I will stop this theme after today I promise...

$80 dollar designer belts are also known as "puppy crack"

I need to replace three belts with fake lookalikes

I really really really hate being single but also love it at the same but miss someone to cuddle with but love my solidarity but also like someone to tell my day to and hear about theirs but like being able to masturbate three times a day but hate the fact that I have to masturbate three times a day but hate how I "clean away the feelings" but hate that there are "feelings that I have to clean away" but love the way that my true feelings only come out in this stupid blog and hate that "I can never...

Things I realized today:

Baby beagles are really cute (and pee all over the place and try to eat my toes)

Making lists make you much more productive

Waking up at 4AM has equal ups and downs

Biology degrees are way too hard compared to Liberal Arts degrees

I don't hang out that much anymore and my social skills are suffering because of this

I am getting really close to becoming a complete and utter loser (or even more of one)